God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
