hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We are two peas in an std pod
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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