I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
