This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
