Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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