just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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