What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
