also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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