were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
