i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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