Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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