Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
