I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
