I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
