Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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