Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
