Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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