Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
