thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
