he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
