At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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