Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
