I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
