it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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