She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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