You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
