I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
