Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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