I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
