EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
