So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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