Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
