Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
