Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
