so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
