That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
