I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
