i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
