drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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