I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
