we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Randomize
