im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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