The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
