yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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