You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
