Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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