the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
