there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
