It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
