I wish I could teleport
My liver just broke up with me...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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