They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
