Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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