My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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