The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
